In praise of slowing down (Or why there is more to life than hustling all the time).

Saturday 11 November 2017


In my early 20s, I lived a pretty busy life. I was usually doing 2 jobs at a time, producing all day then running from the office to the theatre to sell programmes and direct people to their seats until 10pm. Home by 11.15, maybe after a drink to break the airlock of work; become a person again. Up again at 8, and back to the office.

Even when I graduated to only doing one job at a time, it didn't bring much respite. Longer hours at the office, then maybe a show (one of ours or someone else's). A little bit of travel: I remember one particular night my sister texting me "are you upstairs?" and me replying "No I'm in Edinburgh". 

If I sound in any way ungrateful, that couldn't be further from the truth. I was exhausted and happy; spending my time doing what I loved more than anything. The truth is though, in the theatre industry at that particular time, it felt necessary. Everyone was living like that, surely? It must be the only way to keep on top of it all; working harder, achieving more in less time... wasn't that the most important thing?

I don't know what changed. I can't even quite work out when, although the time I had bronchitis and spent 2 weeks saying I'd go to the doctors once the show was over was probably a low point, but somewhere in the past few years almost all of my priorities shifted. And I realised that's more than alright.

I have a bit of a reputation, these days, for being a self-proclaimed old lady. I love going home at the end of the day, adore a Saturday night in, and find a least as much pleasure in cooking with a podcast in my ears as I do hanging out in a cool bar. I'm definitely not resistant to a chilled life (sometimes).
I still love being busy, though. Whether that's a hangover from jobs past or ingrained in my bones I'm not quite sure, but I'm never happier than when I'm using my brain to make things happen; never more impressive (to myself) than when posed with a problem that I can come up with a creative solution for, never more content that when I can crawl in to bed feeling like it has been a day well spent. 

So where is the balance? How do we make sure we're happy in the work hard moments, happy in the play hard, happy in the go home by 8pm and watch a documentary? It's important, I think, to check in every now and then with the things that make you feel most like you. There's this mentality, especially for creative women it seems, that we have to always be hustling (remember the other day when I said I wasn't saying that anymore?). The truth is, though, you'll be crap at the hustle if your edges are frayed; you haven't slept enough or done anything just for you in a while. You'll wake up one day and ask yourself is that all there is? Well no, actually. 

There is waking up late, or at least later. Making breakfast, taking it back to bed and eating it under the covers with a book. Stretching, reading Twitter, kidding yourself that you'll get up in a minute and go to the gym. Actually getting up and going to the gym. I can't tell you how excited I was when I realised I have time to go food shopping today.

I am the best at writing when I feel rested. Honestly, I look my best when I've spent the night before bingeing Gossip Girl, 'cause it makes me want to get up and do my hair. I'm never nicer company than the morning after one of those amazing sleeps where you wake up with a lazy smile, a little bit before your alarm. Someone told me once "You're never hotter than when you're doing what you're brilliant at" (I was wearing pretty huge heels and a fitted leather blazer at the time too though, which I'm sure helped, and what I was doing was shouting at a stage door queue that I wasn't bringing Idina out if they didn't stand against the wall, so not using all of my talent, tbh) and at the time I completely agreed. I rarely feel better in my skin than when I'm doing what I love and doing it well. The only way I can do that, though, I realise now? Knowing there is more to life. Not replying to emails at 4am anymore. Not replying to emails at 8pm anymore. Taking actual days off. Picking your battles, and feeling alright with the fact that if you don't do it, someone else might get there first. Let them. The world is wide enough.

The older I get, the more I feel I know myself, and the more weight I put on the things that make me happy rather than the things I think the world expects me to do. I think this has only made people take me more seriously: it makes you look like you know what you're doing even when you don't. It's impossible to have a handle on everything, but as long as you keep just doing you, you'll be alright. Have a handle on one thing. Let that be your own needs, and let that be enough.

The rest will come.


Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

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